3 Biggest Mistakes we can make as parents and how to avoid them

Why do the simplest moments with kids — like putting on a coat — sometimes explode into shouting, tears, and slammed doors?
 Why do even the most loving parents find themselves saying things they swore they'd never say?

In this powerful conversation, parenting coach Camilla McGill shares the three biggest mistakes parents unknowingly make — and, more importantly, how small shifts can completely transform the connection with a child.

Listeners will hear a real-life "messy moment" that every parent will recognise and walk away with practical tools to:
 ✨ Stay calm under pressure
 ✨ Guide instead of control
 ✨ Focus on building long-term resilience — not just short-term obedience

If anyone has ever walked away from an argument with their child thinking, "Why did it go that way?" — this episode offers the insight and reassurance they need.

Timestamps:

00:00 Introduction to Raising Kids with Love and Boundaries

00:04 Why we make mistakes

00:51 Introducing the Question of the Week: Handling Frustration

02:12 Mistake #1: Controlling Instead of Guiding

06:54 Mistake #2: Reacting Emotionally Instead of Responding Calmly

10:37 Mistake #3: Focusing on Short-Term Obedience

13:56 Reply to Question of the Week: "How can I get my child to put their coat on?"

14:45 Summary and Recap

When you're ready here are 3 ways that Camilla could help you further:
Tired of feeling like you go round in circles with your child and never seem to get anywhere?
Wish your child came with a manual, as you're just not sure what's the best approach?
1.Book a FREE Discovery Call to talk to Camilla about how she can help you personally to transform your family life. https://calendly.com/myparentingsolutions/discovery-call

2. For blogs, free downloadable guides and other information go to https://www.myparentingsolutions.com

3. Go to Camilla's instagram for further tips and inspiration https://www.instagram.com/myparentingsolutions/

Transcript

🎙️ The 3 Biggest Mistakes Parents Make — And How to Avoid Them

Today, I want to talk about something that might feel a little uncomfortable — but really important: the three biggest mistakes I see parents making.

And I say this with absolute compassion, because every parent makes these mistakes.
 I’ve made them myself.We make them not because we’re bad parents, but because we love our children so fiercely.
 And because we’re human — and not only were none of us taught how to be parents, but our kids, with their own individual temperaments and personalities, didn't come with a manual!When you understand why these mistakes happen, and you see them with kindness, it becomes so much easier to change — and that change can transform your relationship with your child.Before we dive in, I want to share a real-life question that I think a lot of you will relate to ‘The Question of the Week’.A parent wrote:"My child didn't want to put her coat on. I felt it was cold outside and I wanted her to wear it. I got really frustrated when she refused and I screamed at her, 'Why can't you EVER do something I ask you to do?' She yelled back, 'I hate you!' and ran off. It was messy! What should I have done?"
Hands up if you've ever had a moment like that... I know I have! I'm going to come back to this question at the end of today’s episode — because it’s such a powerful example of the three biggest mistakes we’re going to explore today.
 So keep it in mind as you listen — you might just hear yourself in this story.But first ..So let's dive in.
Mistake 1: Trying to Control Instead of Guide
As parents, we often feel a huge weight of responsibility.
 We want to keep our children safe.
 We want them to do well, to be liked, to succeed, do what we've asked! Have an easier life.Underneath that drive to control is usually fear:

• Fear they’ll fail — if they're not reading yet, will they get held back in school?
• Fear they’ll get hurt or things will get damaged.
• Fear it will reflect badly on us as parents — what if they're badly dressed? Will people think I don't care?
• Fear they’ll suffer — if they're not sporty and don’t do extra football, will they get teased?
  So we step in. We micromanage. We over-direct.
   Because it feels safer to have control.But children aren’t designed to be controlled.
   They are wired to develop independence, to explore, to test boundaries.
  When we control too much, two main things happen:
• Some kids push back — they resist, argue, ignore, have meltdowns.
  
  
  
• Other kids comply outwardly — but they lose confidence in themselves. They doubt their ability to make decisions.
  And here’s something I want to share from Dr. Dan Siegel — he’s a leading child psychiatrist and author of The Whole-Brain Child.
   He says:"Where we focus on control, we lose the opportunity for connection."
  And isn’t that so true?

Because when we get caught up trying to control every move our child makes, we can unintentionally create distance.
 And it’s that connection — that feeling of being seen, heard, and trusted — that’s actually what encourages real cooperation.
 It’s connection that makes children want to work with us, not against us. WE tell your 7-year-old exactly how to do their homework — they push the book away and say “NO, I”m not doing it like that”
 We insist your 4-year-old put on their shoes right now — and they dig in their heels and scream 'No!'
 We constantly remind your child how to play properly at the playground — take turns, don't push — and they run off and either act silly, which feels like they're doing it to annoy you.

And Dr. Laura Markham puts it so clearly — she says:

"The truth is, you can't control another person without creating resistance. The more you push, the more they push back."

I’m sure if you think back, you can remember a moment when that’s exactly what happened — the harder you pushed, the more your child dug their heels in.And it’s completely natural — none of us like feeling controlled.
 Our children are no different.The beautiful thing is, when we shift from controlling to guiding — showing trust, offering choices, being their coach — that’s when they start to step up.

Think of yourself not as a boss, but a coach or a guide. Or The Captian of the Ship as parenting coach and author Susan Stiffleman saysInstead of, "You need to put your shirt on the other way round, or you can't get dressed under the covers!"
 Try:
 "How do you want to get dressed? Under the covers or sitting on your bed. What works best for you?"
 or
 "I’m here to help if you need me and want to put the shirt the right way round."

There are nuances — I'm fully aware — we're not giving complete choice, but we're not controlling their every move either.
 This approach helps build ownership. It shows trust.
 And it helps your child feel capable — not controlled.Mistake 2: Reacting Emotionally Instead of Responding Calmly

Parenting can feel incredibly personal.When a child talks back, refuses, whines, or is rude — it can hit something deep inside us.

Listen back to my episode with Bonnie Harris, who wrote When Kids Push Your Buttons and What To Do About It — published on 21st February 2025 — to learn more about this.But notice that when they refuse to cooperate, we might feel:

• Disrespected.Unappreciated.Powerless.Embarrassed (especially in public).
  Often, our strong emotional reactions come from our own childhood wounds:
   Maybe when you were a child, backtalk wasn’t tolerated — so now when your child challenges you, it feels like a threat to your authority.

Sometimes, without even realising it, we can link our child’s behaviour to our sense of how loved or valued we feel as a parent.
 If you grew up feeling most accepted when you were 'good,' it can almost feel as if you’re failing, or as if your child is pushing you away when they misbehave.

Of course, that’s not what’s really happening — they’re just a young child struggling with big feelings.
 But unless we’re aware of it, those old emotional patterns can make us react much more strongly than the situation really calls for.

When we react — yelling, snapping, threatening — we escalate the emotional temperature.
 The child feels unsafe, misunderstood, angry — and the behaviour usually gets worse.

Your 5-year-old whines "You’re so mean!" — and you snap back, "Don’t you dare speak to me like that!"
 Your 7-year-old refuses to clear their plate — and you say sharply, "Fine, you won’t get any pudding!"
 Your 3-year-old throws their puzzle across the room — and you immediately yell, "That’s it, you’re in time-out!"

When you pause — even just 5 seconds — you give your nervous system time to settle.
 You stop the automatic reaction.
 You choose a response that actually teaches something, rather than punishes.

It might sound like:
 "You're upset. I hear you. We'll talk when you’re calm."
 Or:
 "Wow, for you to throw that puzzle shows me you're really frustrated. When you're a bit calmer, you can pick up the pieces."
 Or depersonalising it:
 "Plates need cleaning before pudding. When you're ready to put it away, I'm happy to give you your ice cream."

You become the calm in their storm — and that's what helps them regulate themselves.

Mistake 3: Focusing on Short-Term Obedience Instead of Long-Term GrowthIn the chaos of daily life, sometimes we just want quick compliance.Put your shoes on now.
 Get in the car. Tidy your toys

We want things to be smooth, quiet, efficient — because we’re tired, busy, stressed.

And again, underneath that is often fear:

Fear of feeling or looking like a 'bad parent' if our child misbehaves.
Fear we’ll lose control - if I don’t get a grip, they’ll take over.
Fear of being judged by others.
When we only aim for obedience, we miss the opportunity to build important life skills:Self-discipline.Problem-solving.Emotional regulation.

Kids might behave to avoid punishment — but they don’t internalise the values or skills they need to manage themselves when we’re not around.

our 6-year-old refuses to put away their toys — you threaten to throw them all in the bin — they might clean up, but with anger and resentment.
our 5-year-old spills their drink at a friend’s house — you scold them harshly out of embarrassment — they feel ashamed, but they don’t actually learn how to handle mistakes calmly.

Ask yourself: Am I focusing on just this moment? Or am I teaching for the long term?

Instead of demanding immediate obedience, we can coach and connect:
 "I know it’s hard to stop playing. Let’s work out a system together for tidying up."
 "Spilling things happens. What could we do next time to help?"Short term, it’s slower.
 Long term, it’s transformational.

And just a quick reminder — if you’d like even more help getting your child to listen without nagging, shouting or threatening, head over to myparentingsolutions.com/justlisten and grab your free guide.Now let’s come back to the question of the week.First of all — if this happened to you, please know — you are absolutely not alone.
 These moments are messy and emotional for every parent.What happened here ties directly to what we’ve been talking about today:

• You were trying to control — out of love and concern.
  
  
  
• When your child resisted, it triggered emotions — frustration, powerlessness.
  
  
  
• And then it escalated — with shouting and shouting back.
  In the moment, the best thing you could do is pause — even though it’s hard.
   You could say something like:
   "I hear you don’t want to wear your coat. I'm going to bring it in case you feel cold."
   Or offer some choice:
   "Would you like to carry it yourself or shall I hold it?"

If it’s already escalated — like it did here — the most powerful thing you can do is repair later:
 "I got frustrated and shouted. That wasn’t helpful. I'm sorry. Next time let’s figure it out together."

The messy moments aren’t failures.
 They’re opportunities to model emotional honesty, to reconnect, and to build resilience. If you’d like my personal help - see the shownotes and book a free consultation (discovery call) myparentingsolutions.com/chat

So let’s quickly recap:

Mistake 1. Trying to Control Instead of Guide
When you guide instead of control, your child grows confidence and responsibility.
Mistake 2 Reacting Emotionally Instead of Responding Calmly

Mistake 3: Focusing on Short-Term Obedience Instead of Long-Term Growth When we respond calmly instead of reacting emotionally, you model emotional strength.
 When we focus on long-term growth rather than short-term obedience, you raise a capable, resilient human being.

And most importantly — these mistakes don’t mean you’re failing.
 They mean you care.
 They mean you’re human.

Every time you notice and make a shift, you’re building something beautiful — a lifelong relationship based on trust, respect, and love.

If you enjoyed today’s episode, please do subscribe to the podcast so you get alerted when new episodes come out — and if you found it helpful, I’d love it if you could share it with a friend who might need a little support too.

Thanks so much for listening — see you next time!