"My Kid Is So Rude!"; 3 powerful ways to respond without shame or punishment

“You’re stupid!” “I hate you!” “Give me it – NOW!”
 If your child says things like this, you’re not alone — and you’re not doing anything wrong. But the truth is, hearing those words can be heartbreaking, especially when you’re trying to raise a kind and respectful human with good manners.

In this powerful episode, parenting coach Camilla McGill shares why rudeness shows up so often — particularly with the people our children feel safest with — and what we can do to guide them without shouting, shaming or punishment.

You’ll learn:

• Why kids are rude (hint: it’s rarely personal)
  
  
• How to stay calm and hold your boundary
  
  
• The gentle replay technique that helps children practise respectful communication
  
  
• What to do when they’re rude to a nanny or grandparent
  
  
• And how to handle those painful words: “I hate you.”

Time Stamps

• 00:00 - Introduction and personal anecdotes about rude behavior in children
• 01:00 - Overview of the episode's structure
• 03:00 - Explanation of why children are rude
• 05:00 - First strategy – Staying calm and not reacting
• 07:00 - Second strategy – Recognizing emotions without shaming
• 09:00 - Third strategy – Asking for a polite 'replay'
• 11:00 - Handling rudeness towards nannies or grandparents
• 13:00 - Question of the week – Responding to 'I hate you'
• 15:00 - Final thoughts and resources

This is not about raising perfect kids. It’s about helping them express big feelings without hurting others — and giving you the tools to respond with confidence.

✨ Ready to shift the tone in your home? Grab Camilla’s free guide: https://www.myparentingsolutions.com/justlisten

📩 Or book a free discovery call if you want personalised support. https://calendly.com/myparentingsolutions/discovery-call

🎧 If this episode helped, please rate it and share it with a friend or your child’s caregiver. Let’s spread the message of love and boundaries!

Book a call with Camilla to discuss the in person or virtual 'House Visit' as part of her coaching package
https://www.myparentingsolutions.com/CHAT

When you're ready here are 3 ways that Camilla could help you further:
Tired of feeling like you go round in circles with your child and never seem to get anywhere?
Wish your child came with a manual, as you're just not sure what's the best approach?
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2. For blogs, free downloadable guides and other information go to https://www.myparentingsolutions.com

3. Go to Camilla's instagram for further tips and inspiration https://www.instagram.com/myparentingsolutions/

Transcript

"You’re an idiot. You can’t make me. I hate you. Go away."

When we hear our child say things like this to us, two things usually happen: first, it really presses our buttons. We think, "How dare you. I’d never have spoken to my mother like that!" And second, we feel terrible: "Where did I go wrong? I bet nobody else’s child is like this."

So in today’s episode I’m diving into the thorny issue of when our child is rude.

We’ll talk about what’s behind this kind of behaviour, how to respond in the moment, and how to help our child develop more respectful ways of communicating. And I’ll also come back to our question of the week at the end, which is a powerful one:

"My 5-year-old constantly says ‘I hate you.’ What do I say to that? I’ve tried: ‘That’s so rude. No you don’t. You aren’t allowed to say that to me,’ but nothing works."

Make sure you stick around for that.

Let’s find a few more choice examples: "Give me that!" or a huffing "You’re so annoying!" Maybe it’s the way they snap, roll their eyes, or just use that tone that makes our hackles rise. And when this happens in front of others — or worse, is directed at others — it’s even more stressful.

[Insert "I'm Camilla" prerecorded intro here.]

Let me start with a story of a client couple I’ll call Jessica and Simon. They were furious after Jessica witnessed their 6-year-old son snapping at the nanny who was trying to get them out the door for school. He said, "You’re not the boss of me! I’m not getting my shoes on."

The nanny looked shocked. Jessica felt embarrassed and torn. She told me, "I felt awful. I wanted to defend her, but I also didn’t want to shame him. I just didn’t know what to do in that moment."

That situation is more common than we think. Kids will often be ruder to the people they feel safest with — and that includes us as parents, as well as nannies or grandparents. It doesn’t mean we’ve done something wrong — but it is a sign that our child needs guidance to learn to respond politely whoever it is.

And I remember one of those moments myself. One of my daughters, when she was around four, shouted, "You need to buy me an ice cream NOW!" We were in the playground, in front of other parents, and the demanding tone genuinely shocked me. I had that same flicker of embarrassment, hurt, and frustration that Jessica had. But once I stepped back and understood what was underneath it, I could respond differently — and far more helpfully.

So in this episode, I want to help us understand why our children are rude — because there’s always a reason — and I’ll share three practical, calm, and respectful ways we can respond. These tools really do make a difference. I’ve seen it with my four children and in my work with hundreds of parents. When we apply these tips, it vastly reduces the frequency of rude behaviour. So it’s definitely worth paying attention.

Why is our child rude?

There are two main reasons — and they’re completely human.

1. Habit
Rude talk often becomes a pattern — not because our child is deliberately trying to be disrespectful, but because it works. If they shout, "Get my juice!" and we hand it over quickly just to avoid a meltdown, we’re teaching them that rudeness gets results.

Children are always learning: "What happens when I do this?" So when rudeness leads to getting what they want — even if we sigh, scold, or roll our eyes — they file that away as: "Okay, that works."

2. Emotion
The second reason is that rudeness is often a signal, not a character flaw. Our child might be saying:

• "I’m overwhelmed." (This could be emotional or sensory — for more on sensory overload, listen to Episode 12 from November 12th.)
• "I don’t feel heard." (How often does this happen when we’re distracted?)
• "I don’t know how to express this in a calm way."

But of course, they don’t have the words for that yet. So it comes out as snappy, rude behaviour — especially when they’re tired, anxious, or struggling.

And rudeness often shows up with the people they feel safest with — and that’s usually us.

A quick word about us as parents
It’s really important to say this: it’s not our fault when our child is rude. Truly.

I’ve worked with so many parents who feel ashamed when their child speaks disrespectfully. But this isn’t about blame. Rudeness is a common, normal part of child development.

But — even though it isn’t our fault, we do have a responsibility to guide our child. Because if we let it slide, or don’t address it with warmth and boundaries, it can become a habit that carries into the teen years. And as hormones kick in and emotional intensity increases, those patterns can really take root and be harder to change.

So let’s catch it now, while they’re still little. I’m a firm believer that good manners don’t come naturally to most kids — they have to be taught and practiced. - if you’re finding this useful, please grab my free guide to get kids to listen - which is a lot of what this is about go to www.myparentingsolutions.com/justlisten

Three Calm and Powerful Responses to Rudeness

1. Stay calm and don’t react
This is such a hard one, I know. But it’s also the most important. When our child is rude, we often want to react — to raise our voice, or send them to their room.

But that kind of response usually just adds fuel to the fire — and it doesn’t teach them a better way to express themselves.

Instead, try something like:
"Hmm. That didn’t sound polite. Try again using respectful words."

We’re keeping our tone neutral, calm, and firm. No drama, no shame. We’re modelling how to hold a boundary without getting drawn into a power struggle.

And if you’re thinking, “But I’ve tried that and my child just gets more rude,” — remember, it takes time. We’re not looking for instant obedience — we’re building a habit.

2. Recognise the emotion without shaming
This is where connection comes in. Most rudeness is rooted in dysregulation. Our child is angry, frustrated, disappointed — and they’re lashing out because they don’t know how else to communicate it.

We can meet that moment with empathy, without letting go of the boundary.

Try saying:
“You’re really frustrated that I said no. That’s hard. And we still need to speak kindly.”

Or:
“It’s okay to feel upset. I know that’s why you said that. But we don’t talk to people like that.”

This response shows them: I see you, I hear you, and I’m still holding the limit. It’s powerful.

3. Ask for a replay
This one’s so simple and effective. Once your child is calm enough, ask them to try again.

You can say:
“Let’s replay that. How could you say it kindly?”

The key here is tone — keep it light and encouraging, not sarcastic or shaming.

It might look like this:

• Child: “I want juice!”
• You: “Let’s try that again. How do we ask?”
• Child (after some support): “Please can I have some juice?”

You might need to prompt them or even model the words at first — that’s okay. This is all about helping them practice the skill.

What if they’re really dysregulated?
Sometimes, they’re too far gone. They’re yelling, crying, storming off — and you’re not going to get a calm, respectful reply.

In those moments, the best thing you can do is wait. Let the storm pass. Then circle back.

Later, you might say:
“Earlier you shouted at me. I think you were feeling really angry. Next time, let’s try saying how you feel using respectful words. Want to practice that now?”

What if they’re rude to a nanny or babysitter?
This is such a common worry. And it’s tough because it affects the adult relationship too.

Let your child know:
“In our family, we speak kindly to everyone — including [nanny’s name]. If you’re rude, you’ll need to take a moment and come back when you’re ready to try again kindly.”

And speak with your caregiver — let them know what phrases you use so they can reinforce it too. Consistency is key.

Now let’s go back to our question of the week:

“My 5-year-old constantly says ‘I hate you.’ What do I say to that? I’ve tried: ‘That’s so rude. No you don’t. You aren’t allowed to say that to me,’ but nothing works.”

First of all — that is so hard to hear. It hurts. So if that’s you, know that you’re not alone.

But here’s what’s important: when a child says “I hate you,” what they really mean is: “I’m angry” or “I feel powerless.” They’re using the strongest words they know to express a big feeling.

Try saying something like:

• “You’re really angry with me right now. It’s okay to feel angry. I’m still here.”
• Or: “You’re upset. I get that. And I won’t let you speak to me like that.”

Then once they’re calm:
“Earlier you said you hated me. I think that was because I said no. You’re allowed to feel upset. Let’s think of a different way to say that.”

It’s about helping them build a new script — one that still honours their feelings, but is kinder and more respectful.

Final thoughts
This isn’t about raising perfect kids. It’s about raising kids who can express their big feelings without hurting others.  Remember you can get your free guide to get kids to listen: www.myparentingsolutions.com/justlisten or see the shownotes

You’ve got this. And I’m so glad you’re here, doing this work with love and boundaries.

Thanks for listening — and if this episode was helpful, I’d love if you give it a rating and share it with a friend or your child’s caregiver. I’ll see you next time!

Actual transcript:
  📍  📍 You're are stupid. You can't make me gimme a drink now. Go away from me. When we hear our child say things like this to us, two things usually happen. First, it really presses our buttons. We think, how dare you? I'd never have spoken to my mother like that. And second, we feel awful. Where did I go wrong? I bet nobody else's child is like this.

So in today's episode, I'm diving deep into the thorny issue of when our child is rude. My kid is so rude. Three calm and powerful ways to respond. I'm going be talking about what's behind this kind of behavior and how to respond in the moment, and how to help our child develop more respectful ways of communicating.

And I'm also going be coming back to the question of the week. At the end, which is a really powerful one. So here's a sneak preview of the question of the week. My five-year-old constantly says, I hate you. What do I say to that? I've tried, don't be so rude. No, you don't. Or go to your room, or you're not allowed to.

Say that to me, but nothing works. So make sure that you listen onto the end. Uh, so you can hear my reply to that, but I want to find a few other more choice examples of the kind of rude thing kids say. They say things like, give me that. Or they half, you're so annoying. Maybe it's the way they snap or they roll their eyes, or they just use that tone that makes our hackles rise.

And when this happens, and especially if it's in front of others, or worse if it's directed others, it's even more stressful. But first. 

 As a parent, you know, it's important to have clear boundaries, but you also want to be caring and compassionate. Right. Well, I'm Camilla McGill and as a seasoned parenting coach and mom of four, I'm excited to give you the principles, tools, and inspiration you need to raise amazing kids. Welcome to Raising Kids with Love and Boundaries.

  📍  📍 So let me start with a story of  a couple who are clients of mine. Um, I'm going call them Jessica and Simon. So Jessica and Simon were furious after  Jessica witnessed their 6-year-old son snapping at their nanny who was trying to get them out of the door for school. He said, you are not the boss of me.

I'm not getting my shoes on. The nanny looked shocked. She was relatively new. Jessica felt embarrassed and also torn. She told me I just didn't know what to do and we spent some time in our session, with me coaching them on a different way of responding next time or a way of responding. 'cause I think at that point she just didn't say anything.

She felt awful. She said I wanted to defend the nanny, but I also didn't want to shame my child, and I just didn't know what to do in the moment. So the situation is more common one than we think, usually they're ruder to the people that they feel the safest with, and that includes us as parents.

Now sometimes if it's a relatively new nanny, they're kind of testing the boundaries. Or they're feeling insecure with that person. So again, listen on, because I want you to understand it more and get some solutions. So it really doesn't mean to say that we've done something wrong, especially if they're ruder with us.

It is a sign that our child needs guidance to learn how to respond positively to whoever it is. But if it is with us, it tends to be because they feel the safest. With us. Oh God, I've been there so much myself. I remember a moment when one of my daughters was around the age of four. We were in the playground and she shouted, you need to buy me an ice cream.

Now, you know that awful kind of hand on hip business. Um, it was in front of other parents and that awful, demanding tone, tone, it genuinely shocked me. I had that flicker of embarrassment that Jess Jessica had that kind of hurt and frustration. But I had also learnt, so what I did was that I stepped back and I understood that she wasn't a bad child that, but that I could respond differently to the way I wanted to and far more helpfully.

What I wanted to say was, well, no ice cream for you then young lady. But instead, I took her aside and I acknowledged the desire. Number one, you want an ice cream? I get it. I validated the feeling. You feel really impatient and you want to get it right now. And then I asked her to phrase the it differently to ask me politely.

I know this isn't easy. So in this episode, I want, as I said, I want to help you understand why our children are rude, because there is always a reason, and I'm going share three practical, calm, and respectful ways that we can respond. A bit like I've just described, but I'm going go into more detail. These tools really do make a difference.

I've seen it with my own four children and with my work with the hundreds of parents that I've coached. When we apply these tips, thousands, actually, when we apply these tips, it vastly reduces the frequency of rude behavior. So it really is definitely worth paying attention. So let's look at why our child is rude.

There are going be two main reasons, and they are completely human. One is habit. Rude talk often becomes a pattern, not because our child is definitely trying to be disrespectful, not because they're bad kids, but because it works. So if they shout, get my juice. We hand it over quickly just to avoid the meltdown.

We are teaching them that rudeness gets results. Children are always learning. They're learning about what happens when I do this. So when rudeness leads to getting what they want, even if we sigh, scold, or  roll, our eyes. They file away. Okay, this works. Number two, and this is so important. The second reason that kids are are rude is often a signal.

It's not a character flaw. Our child might be saying with their emotion, I'm overwhelmed,  this could actually be a sensory overwhelm. So for more on sensory overload,  do go to episode 12, which was released on the 12th of November, 2024, which is about sensory overload. It might be the emotion of not feeling heard.

Look, how often does this happen? How often do they make a demand, a rude sounding demand when we are really distracted or in a rush or, dealing with a sibling?  It might also be this emotion of, I don't know how to express this in a calm way. I'm not feeling calm, is the emotion that is behind what they're saying.

So of course they just don't have the words for that yet. So it comes out as snappy, rude behavior, especially when they're tired, anxious, or struggling, dysregulated. And it does, as I've said, often show up with the people that they feel safest with. That is usually us. So I want to have a quick word about us as parents.

It's really important to say this. It is not our fault when our child is rude. And we also know that some children become more emotionally dysregulated and more prone to rude responses than others. I've worked with so many parents who feel ashamed when their child speaks disrespectfully. So this is not about blame Rudeness is co a common.

Normal part of child development, but even though it isn't our fault, we really do have a responsibility to guide our child because if we let it slide, ignore it or don't address it with love and boundaries, it can become a habit that carries into the teen years. And as hormones kick in and emotional intensity increases in those years, these patterns can really take root and be harder to change.

So catch it now while they're still young. I'm really a firm believer that good manners don't come naturally to most kids. They have to be taught and practiced. So if you are finding this useful, please do grab my guide.  It's a free guide . It's about getting kids to listen. So just go to my website, myparentingsolutions.com/justlisten or go to the show notes below where you'll see how you can get the guide, or if you want to add my own personal help,, and book a discovery call with me where we can talk, about you and your situation. So what's coming up is three calm and powerful responses to rudeness. Number one, stay calm and don't react.

I get it. It's easier said than done. It's a really hard one. I know. It is the most important thing. When our child is rude, we often want to react. We want to raise our voice or send them to their room or tell them how terrible they are. But this kind of response just actually adds fuel to. And it doesn't teach them a better way to express themselves.

It actually adds shame and often will will re produce a response that's actually worse. So I'm going give you some examples. They may sound really weird. You may think, how on earth could I do that? , when I'm coaching parents, we do this in a step-by-step way so that they learn in time,  how to,

adapt these kind of responses. But I hope that you can take something from today's episode. So something like, Hmm, that didn't sound polite. Try again. Using respectful words, we're keeping our turn neutral, calm, and firm. We're not adding drama, we're not adding shame, we're not adding threats. We are modeling how we hold a boundary without getting drawn into a power struggle.

So you might be thinking, I've tried that and my child gets just more and more rude. Remember, this does take time. We're not looking for instant obedience. We are building a habit. Number two, recognize the emotion without shaming. I. So when we are dealing with rudeness, we've got to look at recognizing this emotion and we've got to take away the shaming.

So this is where connection comes in. Most rudeness is rooted in our children feeling emotionally dysregulated. They've got these big feel strong feelings, and they don't know how to express them in different ways, so they're feeling angry. Upset, frustrated, disappointed, jealous. There's all kinds of feelings that might be behind it.

 We've not met an expectation  they had an expectation that isn't being met and they're lashing out because they don't know how else to communicate it. So, as I've already sort of described, we can meet that moment with empathy without letting go of the boundary. You are really frustrated that I said, no, that's hard, and I'm sorry there is still no ice cream.

We might say, um, it's okay to feel upset. I know. That's why you said that. We don't talk to people in a tone of voice like that. This response shows them, I see you, I hear you, and I'm still holding the limit. It really is powerful. Number three. Ask for a replay. You can call it,, rewind. Action.

Replay, replay. A do over. This one is so simple and effective. Why? Because we're actually getting our children to do the right thing rather than shaming them for doing the wrong thing. So we've got to time it right? We might need to do it when our child has calmed down a bit, perhaps when we've validated that emotion.

But we ask them to try again. We can say something like, let's replay that. How could you say that in a way that I can help you? What words could you use, or what tone of voice could you use in a way that I could help you here our  tone of voice is key. We've got to keep it light, encouraging, not sarcastic or shaming.

So it might look like this. Our child says, I want juice. We say, oh, let's try that again. How can you ask politely? So we are not saying that's rude. Don't speak to me like that. We're just saying, how can you ask me that politely? They might say, please, can I have some juice? So we may need to prompt them and go one step further or even model the words.

At first, we might say, okay, I get it. So I need you to say something like, please, can I have some juice, mummy? So it is all about helping them practice the skills. And if they're really dysregulated, look, sometimes it's just all gone too far. They're yelling, they're crying, they're storming off. We are not going to get a calm, respectful reply at that point.

In these moments, the best thing that we can do is wait. Don't give them the thing that they've asked for. Just let the storm pass and then we might circle back. It may only take a few minutes just now. You shouted at me. I think you were feeling really angry, so let's practice how you can use respectful words to get what it is that you want.

Would you like to practice that now? I. So if they're rude to a nanny or a babysitter or a grandparent, I get this is such a common worry, and it really is tough because it affects that adult relationship and if it affects how that person perceives them. So we've got to let them know. We might to say something like, in our family, we speak politely to everybody, including Jane (nanny's) name, whatever, or grandma.

If you're rude, you just need to take a moment and come back when you're ready again, to speak politely. We might need to speak to the caregiver. We might need to give them some phrases that they can use so that we can reinforce it. Reinforce it, because consistency is definitely the key. So let's come back to the question of the week.

I really hope that this is being,  helpful for you. Please rate and review. I'm going mention that again because, uh, I, I love this podcast to,  reach other people. Also, let me just remind you that you can see the show notes below to get my free guide to getting kids to listen or book a discovery call.

But I want to come back to that important question of the week. My child constantly says, I hate you. What do I say to that? I've tried. That's so rude. You don't say that. You're not allowed to say that, but nothing works. So first of all, I really want to acknowledge that it's hard to hear. It hurts, but we've also got to remember they don't mean it.

When they say, I hate you, what they really mean is, I'm angry or I feel powerless. They're using the strongest words that they know to express a big feeling. So we might say something like, you are really angry with me right now. It's so okay to feel angry. I get it. You are really upset. I can get that. I don't want you to tell me that you hate me, but I also really get that you are so upset.

Maybe we might come back to it. Earlier you said that you hated me. I think it was because I said, no, you are allowed to feel upset. I get it. Let's think of a different way that you could express your feeling. So again, it's really about helping them build a script. One that still honors their feeling, um, but also just it's again, it maintains the love and the boundary.

So we're treating them respectfully and we're helping them to become. Learn more respectful communication, learn about manners. And as I say, I know that kind of sounds old fashioned, but I really do think that manners are an important part of raising kids. So here are my final thoughts. This really isn't about raising perfect kids.

It's about raising kids who can express their big feelings without hurting others who learn how to have respectful, polite communication and also just, you know, we've also got to remember that  it is our responsibility to help them. It's not our fault, but it is our responsibility to help them.

And there are so many ways that they can do that. As I said, you can grab my guide to get them to listen, or my parenting solutions.com. Just listen, which is a lot of it is about these steps to, to getting respectful communication. Um, and you can see the show notes to book a discovery call with me. I want to say that you've got this.

I'm really glad that you are here doing this work with Love and Boundaries. You are a parent who cares. So thank you so much for listening, and again, if this episode was helpful. I'd love it if you gave me a rating and share it with a friend or your child's caregiver, someone who you think would benefit from hearing my podcast.

Raising kids with love and Boundaries with me, Camilla McGill. Until next time, thank you for listening.