Raising Kids with Love and Boundaries

Don’t Wrap Your Kids in Cotton Wool: 3 Powerful Reasons to Foster Independence

• Episode 21

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There’s a common parenting instinct to protect our children at all costs — and whilst that protective impulse is rooted in love, it can unintentionally hold our kids back.

Listen to this episode to learn three powerful reasons why we need to raise independent kids and why wrapping our children in cotton wool can prevent them from developing essential life skills like resilience, self-trust and problem-solving. 

Camilla also offers practical, gentle ways to help your child learn to take ageand developmentally appropriate risks, build confidence, and grow into capable, independent people.

Expect lots of empathy, relatable stories from her own parenting journey, and real-life tips you can start using today.


🌟 What You’ll Learn in This Episode:

  • Why over-protecting them actually limits their growth

  • How to introduce risk in a safe, age-appropriate way

  • What to say when your child faces disappointment or failure

  • The long-term emotional and developmental benefits of fostering independence

  • Why handing over responsibility in small doses builds resilience


🔧 Practical Strategies You'll Hear:

  • How to stay calm when your child pushes boundaries — especially near roads or in risky situations

  • The power of using natural consequences instead of threats or punishment

  • Why involving your child in decision-making fosters independence, cooperation and safety awareness

  • How to model learning through your own real-life mistakes


🎙️ Question of the Week:

“My child refuses to hold my hand near roads or in car parks, and I’m terrified he’ll run off — what should I do?”
 Camilla shares a beautifully balanced response that addresses both safety and the need to build your child’s decision-making skills and independence.


📌 Links and Resources:


Book a call with Camilla to discuss the in person or virtual 'House Visit' as part of her coaching package
https://www.myparentingsolutions.com/CHAT

When you're ready here are 3 ways that Camilla could help you further:
Tired of feeling like you go round in circles with your child and never seem to get anywhere?
Wish your child came with a manual, as you're just not sure what's the best approach?
1.Book a FREE Discovery Call to talk to Camilla about how she can help you personally to transform your family life. https://calendly.com/myparentingsolutions/discovery-call

2. For blogs, free downloadable guides and other information go to https://www.myparentingsolutions.com

3. Go to Camilla's instagram for further tips and inspiration https://www.instagram.com/myparentingsolutions/

  📍  📍 Watch out. Be careful. Don't do that. It's dangerous. Don't be silly. You can't do that by yourself. Let me do it. If you are, like most of the parents that I work with, you want your child to feel secure and happy and protected, and naturally we want to keep them safe, , emotionally, physically, socially, that's normal.

But here's the problem. Sometimes in our efforts to protect, we actually  hold our children back and we do more damage than good. So that's why you're going to find today's episode so helpful. Why we mustn't wrap our kids in cotton wool. Three powerful reasons to start letting go, and   what we should be doing instead. but first.

 As a parent, you know, it's important to have clear boundaries, but you also want to be caring and compassionate. Right. Well, I'm Camilla McGill and as a seasoned parenting coach and mom of four, I'm excited to give you the principles, tools, and inspiration you need to raise amazing kids. Welcome to Raising Kids with Love and Boundaries.

  📍  📍 So, today  I'm giving you practical examples and I hope that by the end of this episode, you'll feel more confident in letting your child take those small but meaningful steps towards independence.

And I'm going to cover the question of the week, so listen up. 'cause I bet you this is something that happens to you, my child. And if it's. Not this specific thing. There's going to be something similar. My child frequently refuses to hold my hand. We walk to school and I'm terrified that he's going to run off and get hit by a car.

Same thing happens  when we're in a car park and he pulls away and he tries to run off. When I want to hold his hand, what do I do? So listen to the end as I'm going to cover this. But why this topic matters. Let me start with a story. Some years ago I was working with Sarah and her husband,  they had a bright, lovely 8-year-old son, and through our really non-judgmental conversation, she realized that she was doing so much for him.

She kind of confessed, laying out his clothes, reminding him constantly about homework and correcting the answers if he got it wrong. Rushing to school if he to drop off the sports bag if he'd forgotten it. And she said, when I kind of questioned whether that was the best way of do doing things, she said, but Camilla, if I don't do it, I'm worried that he's going to get in trouble.

I'm just trying to help him. And if this is resonating for you, please put the guilt aside and just listen on, because you're going to hear what we can do differently and why it's so important. So I really get why we want to protect them and, and not, you know, so that they don't, get upset or get into trouble.

But what with Sarah, um, what I gently helped her to see was this, is that every time she stepped in, she was robbing her child of the, a learning opportunity. He wasn't learning how to take responsibility, how to manage his time, how to solve his own problems, how to get more organized. He was learning that mum would always swoop in and eventually, not only that, he kind of would stop trying because he didn't even feel that he was capable of being more independent.

So how can we lovingly step back so that our children can step up? Why? So the first reason to foster independence is that kids need to learn how to cope with discomfort. So let's start here with, one of the hardest things for parents is to watch our child struggling, whether it's with our toddler crying because they can't get their shoe on, or our 10-year-old upset because they weren't picked for the football team, our instinct is to protect. To ease the pain. And don't get me wrong, comfort is important, but rescuing every time, that's when it becomes a problem because when we rush in and solve it, all our kids miss out on developing resilience. So resilience, you've probably heard that word thrown around a lot.

How important it is for our kids to be resilient, but what does it actually mean? Well, lots of a, lots of things actually, is the ability to bounce back from setbacks, to tolerate frustration, to keep going when things are hard, to have a big emotion and realize that it's okay, fear, disappointment, things like that, and that they're going to be, that they can cope with it.

It's absolutely vital for mental wellbeing and so much research has been done about this, and this isn't just in childhood, but this extends right into adulthood. And here's the truth. Children can't develop resilience if they don't get practice. And if they never face discomfort. So what does practice look like?

Well, look, let's say our child is so upset that they haven't been picked for the sport sports team. And um, you know, maybe they've been working hard on their sport. I. And they still didn't get picked. Our instinct might well be to go and talk to the sports coach. Maybe we'll be kind of assertive and demand that they reevaluate the situation.

Maybe we think, I need to hire in an extra sports coach so that my child  can be picked for the team. Or, what if we help   our child just accept that life is hard?  I know it's uncomfortable as parents, we will do anything when our child is in pain, but just remember what I said earlier about resilience.

Giving them the chance to figure out their own solutions and accept that for now they didn't get what they wanted. That ability to cope with disappointment is far more helpful for them in the future. Now look, I don't also equally advise the tough it out approach. Too bad, suck it up. You obviously weren't the right standard to be  picked for the team, but what if we offered empathy?

This is so powerful. So really, if you are, you know, distracted right now, listen up because these words are going to be incredibly useful for you. We might say something like, "oh God, I bet that was so, uh, frustrating. You'd really, really hoped that you'd make it this time. It feels so disappointing when these things happen, doesn't it?"

I promise you. I once had this exact same thing happen to my son when he wasn't picked for the cricket team. I used the words above and he said, "I think I'm going to do some more batting practice. Do you think dad would help me at the weekend and bowl at me?" That was literally exactly what he said, and that's where the learning happens in the reflection and the problem solving.

So not in the rescuing. You probably got that by now. Here's the second reason. Overprotection sends the message that the world is dangerous. Look, this one is a bit difficult because it's often unconscious, but I really want to unpack it because when we micromanage our children's environment, when we hover at the P playground, constantly shouting, be careful when we refuse to let them cut something up with a knife or pour milk because they might spill it.

We're actually sending a very clear message. I need to sort these things out for you. The world is risky and you are not capable of handling it. Now, obviously we need to keep our children safe. I'm not saying that we let our five-year-old cross a high road, a highway on his own or her own. Um, but what I am saying is that we need to start calibrating risk.

And letting them take small, both age and developmentally appropriate risks. And this really helps them to judge situations. It helps them to build confidence and agency, you know, that sense of being responsible for themselves. So you know, things like let them walk ahead of you in the park. Let them climb that tree when you know you might, you'll stand at the bottom, sure.

But let them try and climb the tree. Encourage your 4-year-old to go and ask for something in a shop, or let your 6-year-old walk ahead of you and stop at the curb and tell you if it's safe to cross. I'm giving ages here, but you know, again, it's just developmentally when you feel like your child is ready, let your 7-year-old make toast, get it out of the toaster, teach them how to do that safely.

And yeah, it might burn the first time or they might get the butter spread too thick. It doesn't matter. You know, we might hover over them thinking, oh dear. But every time they manage something new, we are reinforcing that, uh, powerful internal message. To them. I can do this. I'm capable.  One client of mine recently said that her 6-year-old had started packing.

Um, you know, kind of on my encouragement. Her 6-year-old has started packing her own school bag, and yes, she forgot her reading book the next day. But since then, no. She's remembered it every day and she feels really pride. That pride doesn't just come from getting it right. It comes from taking responsibility.

So want strong kids. Here's the third reason, to help them be more independent. It builds long-term confidence and emotional strength. Let's zoom out again because parenting isn't about today. Just about today. Clearly there's tons that is about today, but it's not just about today. It's not just about next week.

It's about raising a child who can thrive as an adult. I. When we constantly do things for our children, we unintentionally teach them to doubt themselves. And you know, I often will say  to my clients, you know, what we are doing now is the foundation for their successful future. I. So when we step back even a little and we give them space to build the skills, it really does serve them for life.

 So this includes things like problem solving, emotional regulation, perseverance, taking initiative, self-trust, doing something that we are afraid of. I know as an adult I really had to work on this because it hadn't been terribly well built into me as a child.

That fear thing, you know, feel the fear and do it anyway, is a great book I read in my twenties and found really helpful. So these are the foundations for confidence. And confidence, as we know, is not just about being loud, it's not in fact about being loud or outgoing or, or, um, extrovert. It's that quiet in a, in a sense of.

I've got this, I can do this. So how do we encourage that? Well, already I've given you lots of thought, but one way is to involve our child in decision making from a really early age. You know, toddlers could, can be asked things, um, shall I give you this cup or that cup? I mean, sometimes it's like a question of their.

You know, color preference, but it, you know, is this big enough is or isn't it big enough? That kind of thing. Here's a small jug. You can pour your own juice. As they grow,  right. Okay. Well, you organize your homework this evening. You choose which subject you do first, or what would you like to make for your own lunch today?

We are sending them a powerful message. Um, your opinion matters, and I trust you to make choices. Another lovely way to foster independence is through contribution or chores. Now, chores can sound like a really negative word, but actually when children help around the house, you know when they're encouraged to tidy their own toys.

Feed the dog, even if they spill the dog food all over the, all over the side of the dog bowl, helping to set the table. Even if they put the cutlery all completely in the wrong order, they feel needed and they feel valued. And we can talk about them being part of a team. You know, of course it's faster to do it ourselves, and of course they're not going to do it perfectly, but that's not the point.

The point is they're building competence, and that's where confidence grows. Look, we don't always get this perfect. I promise you. I was terribly guilty of wanting control because I knew that I would do a better job myself, particularly things like wiping down the surfaces. But I really want to encourage you to do better than me.

I. Look, I, you know, I got there in the end. But start early, let go of the perfection, the need for perfection, and let them do it themselves. So we are not going to step back entirely. Um, I'm not suggesting we abandon our children to figure life out on their own, but what I am suggesting is that we find a, a, a good balance, a gentle handover of responsibility.

You know, over time, , think of it like maybe , you are teaching them to ride a bike. At first you're going to hold on. Then you let go a little bit more and then off they go. They wobble, they fall, but you've let them do it. And you've let them experience what that's like. Now, if you are enjoying this podcast so far, far, and would like to explore what it's like to get my coaching and support, please just do book a free discovery call.

Um, go to, uh, the web, the show notes below, or go to my website, my parenting solutions.com. Um, and you can book yourself one there and we can chat. I'd be delighted to spend time with you on a free call chatting about your situation and how I can help. So, um, this is what healthy Independence looks like, and I'm going to now give you five practical  steps to encourage you to even, get started or do more.

So, um, if you are listening and thinking, you know, oh God, I do wrap them in cotton wool sometimes, where do I start? These are the simple practical tips. So, uh, let me just think. Here we go. Number one, notice when you are doing things that they could do themselves, whether that's getting them dressed, pouring the juice, packing their bag, and even if you know you can do it faster and better, let them try.

Number two, let natural consequences do the teaching. I'm not saying the I told you so we're going to do this kindly and without shame. They've forgotten the book. They've got unfinished homework. That's how they learn. , they're on the way to school and they say, please go back and get the book. And we say, not today darling, but I bet you're going to remember tomorrow.

They haven't finished their homework and , they're screaming about it again. You do it for me, too late. No, I'm not going to do it for you. Let them experience the natural consequences.  I know really hard for a lot of parents, but honestly, get comfortable with  a bit of mess and risk. That's because in the trying and failing is where the real growth happens. Number four, encourage effort and courage, not just success. So try saying things like you were really brave to try that it wasn't easy, and although you didn't make it, you still tried instead of just waiting to celebrate the perfect results.

Number five, model your own learning and mistakes. Say things like, do you know what? I did not leave enough time to get the train and I missed it. So I was late for work. I better do better tomorrow and set myself an alarm to leave earlier. Something like that. So show them that even adults are figuring things out now.

I'm coming on, took the question of the week, so listen up. My child frequently refuses to hold my hand. We talk, we walk to school, and I'm terrified that he's going to run off.  This is such a common question and  it's an understandable concern, and I also feel from the question, how anxious this parent feels.

And of course, when it comes to road safety, we don't want to take any chances. But I also want to say this to you gently. Our children are always calibrating us. They're reading our energy. They're, they're picking up on our tone of voice and they're picking up on our level of tension. They're reading our body language, even if we do not say a word, and when they sense that we are fearful or we are constantly gripping tightly and shouting, stop, be careful.

Come back. That tension can actually make them more resistant. They will very often pull away more because they feel the pressure and they want to gain some control back. So the first step is stay calm. I know it's easier said than done, especially when we are near the roads. But the calmer and more confident we are, the more our child will feel safe and grounded.

In terms of practical strategies, I'm a really big believer in teaching children how to make safe choices rather than constantly telling them what to do. So I'd suggest like start a conversation before you even leave the house. Something like, we are walking to school today and there are some parts of the roads that are safe and some parts that are not safe.

I will need to hold your hand for the busy parts that aren't safe, like crossing the big roads or walking through the car park, for example. But as soon as we're in a quiet place or away from the road, I'll let go again. I. You are involving them in the plan rather than just imposing rules. You can even ask, how will we know when it's safe to cross?

Get them to stand by the curb and look left, look right, and tell you whilst holding your hand, whether it's safe to to cross. What do you think? What do we need to do when we get to the carpark? What do we need to look out for? These kinds of questions help 'em think for themselves and build their own sense.

Of safety, safety and responsibility. So that's just so much better in the long term than just obeying an instruction. And here's the other thing, if they do run off, even after you've set the boundary, you can calmly let them know. When you run off like that, it shows me that you are not quite ready to walk independently.

So next time you need to hold my hand for longer. This isn't a punishment. It's a natural consequence. You're keeping them safe, but you're also giving them a chance to earn more independence when they show that they're ready for it. So stay calm. Involve them in the process and look for opportunities to hand over small bits of responsibility.

It builds trust, it keeps them safe, and it strengthens our connection with them too. Final thoughts for today and remember, if you want to explore working with me for further. Please look below in the show notes  and book a discovery call with me or go to my website, my parenting solutions.com.

So letting go, even a little can definitely bring up all sorts of worries, but when we hold onto tightly, we unintentionally hold our children back. So we gotta shift the focus. Let's not aim to keep them wrapped safely in cotton wool shielded from every bump and bruise, metaphorically or physically.

Let's aim to raise children who are brave, who are capable, who are independent, and know that if they fall, they've got what it takes to get back up again with our support. And that is what love and boundaries can do. So thank you for spending ti this time with me. If this episode resonated, please share it with a friend or leave a review.

It helps more parents discover the podcast. As I said, if you are looking for more tools on raising confident independent kids, check the show notes for links to, to a free discovery call or, or, uh, my free guide, how to Get Your Kids to Listen without Ever Needing to nag, shout or Threaten. So take care and, uh, until next time, keep parenting with Love and Boundaries and it's thank you from me, Camilla McGill.