My Kid Hits Out! Here's why it's not your fault

Is Your Toddler (or older child) Hitting, Biting, Snatching or Lashing Out? Here’s How to Handle It

Few things feel as overwhelming as watching your child hit, bite, or lash out—especially in public. The embarrassment, the judgment from other parents, the pressure to make them say sorry… it can leave you feeling lost and frustrated.

In this episode, I sit down with Katy, a mum navigating these challenges with her lively three-year-old son, Leo. Together, we unpack why toddlers act out physically, what’s really happening in their little brains, and—most importantly—how to respond in a way that actually helps them learn to manage their emotions.

If you've ever worried about your child's aggression or felt unsure how to handle those intense moments, this conversation is for you. You'll walk away with practical, compassionate strategies to guide your child through their big emotions—without punishments or power struggles.

🎧 Tune in now and discover how to support your child while staying calm and confident.

00:00 Introduction to Today's Topic: Navigating Toddler Emotions

01:55 Meet Katy and Leo: Understanding Their Challenges

04:09 Addressing Violent Outbursts: Strategies and Insights

09:05 The Importance of Emotional Validation

11:18 Practical Tips for Managing Toddler Behavior

13:52 Building Emotional Regulation Skills

17:15 Conclusion and Final Thoughts

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 📌 10 Tried-and-Tested Solutions for Managing Tantrums - Grab my free guide: myparentingsolutions.com/tantrums

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Transcript

   Today I'm talking with Katy, mum to two girls and a lively, gorgeous two year old boy, Leo.

Like many parents of toddlers, Katy and her wife Lara are navigating Leo's big feelings. And it's actually not just toddlers that have these big feelings,  sometimes they're in the form of temper tantrums and, and actually often in the form of physical aggression towards other children. and sometimes to them as parents and possibly to siblings.

I'll find out about that in a minute, Katy. Um, I really personally totally understand how challenging this can be, because I've been there myself. I vividly remember the excruciating embarrassment and isolation that I felt when my eldest son was the same age, and he would lash out at other kids, particularly in playgroup and social situations. 

It seemed, just because he wanted a toy, it was really overwhelming. And honestly, I just didn't know what to do until I reached out to support from a parenting coach. So in this episode, I'm going to be giving Katy some insights into why this behaviour happens, and also offering practical coaching on how to respond in ways that not only help Leo, but also help things to feel more manageable for Katy and Lara.

So if you've ever felt lost or alone dealing with your children's big emotions, this conversation is for you. But first, 

  As a parent, you know it's important to have clear boundaries, but you also want to be caring and compassionate, right? Well, I'm Camilla McGill, and as a seasoned parenting coach and mom of four, I'm excited to give you the principles, tools, and inspiration you need to raise amazing kids. Welcome to Raising Kids with Love and Boundaries.   Okay. Katy, , so lovely to have you on the podcast and thank you so much for agreeing to, uh, to do this session.  Tell me about Leo and what kind of experiences that you're having with him. 

Well, thank you very much for having me. It's a pleasure to talk to you and hopefully get some advice on these issues.  So, as you said, Leo is a lovely, lively, , little boy and  He has always, I think, dealt with being dysregulated through violent outbursts. And it started when he was probably about one and he would do a lot of biting.

Yeah. And we had a lot of reports from the childminder that others in the setting had been hurt by him. And that became quite challenging. He has improved significantly. And, um, he is that little bit older and so he is able to regulate a lot better, but as you said, he's now in the position where when he does have those kind of peak of emotions that he is unable to manage, it typically results with him lashing out him in some violent form. 

So the typical places where this will happen are in soft play, or if we are in a play group and there is a toy that he very much wants, or he has something like that at home and he feels he has ownership of it.  We do see it at home as well. Again, it's a lot less. Um, he's got two older sisters and the middle one is typically the recipient of most of his outbursts.

He has long blonde hair and it's very easy to grab and yank.  So that is where we see it most. It's, it's rarely towards us. It might be if he is really exhausted and he just can't contain himself. But, but that is very rare. So, so those are the typical places where we're seeing this type of behavior. Yeah, yeah.

And tell me, when you either witness it or you got, have had reports from his nursery, by the way, he's three, isn't he? Did I say? So he, he's just turned three. Yes. He just had his birthday. Okay. Okay. So when, um, you, as I say, when you witness it or when you see, uh, get a report from his nursery, what do you feel? 

When I see him do it, it is There's a slight embarrassment on my part. Um, but I, I try really hard not to pass that on  because I do recognize that he, you know, he is still, you know, very little and he does not have that impulse control. So it is not as though he. has actively decided to go and be violent, understanding the consequences.

So, so I'm really aware that this is not something that, you know, requires punishment or anything like that. But equally, there is usually a very small child who's often crying and usually in pain. So, um. I feel an obligation, obviously, to stop it if it's continuing, or if I've intervened before it's happened, but also to address the issue with the  other child as well.

Yes, yes. And, um, is there a sense that you need to make him say sorry?  That varies ,  so what I will typically do is I will, I will physically kind of restrain him by, by means of a cuddle  and I will talk to the other child and I will say, you know, did he hit you?

Did he bite you? Um, I said that wasn't a kind thing for him to do. He's still learning to use his kind hands and then. Depending on the distress of the child, I will, you know, get the parent's attention and make sure they know and kind of explain what's happened.  I will then take Leo aside or outside or to a separate space and say, I think you hurt either the name or the person.

Can you think of something  that might help make them feel better? And if he says no, then, you know, I kind of leave it. And sometimes he, he, like, he understands and he knows enough that it shouldn't have happened. So sometimes he will go and get plaster for the child or he will give them a kiss, which, you know, isn't necessarily what the other child wants, but he will go or demonstrate some level of affection.

Um, but, you know, certainly there are other adults in his life who, you know, may see that and say, you need to say sorry now. You know, you can understand, you can see him then kind of slightly recoil and it just actually makes him worse. He gets very angry when you say that. Yeah, yeah. Have you ever been in a situation where you've had a quite an accusing parent, you know, your child just bit mine? 

Yes, I have.  We were in a charity shop and it was quite a small space with loads of toys and It was about a year ago, and the child, the other child, was about five, so he was much older, and I think Leo just went up and hit him, like, there wasn't really a scuffle, so he just went up and hit him, and the dad just looked at me and said, Your, your kid just hit my kid, uh, and I went, oh right, okay, and he started intervening and trying to discipline Leo,  and he's like, stop it, get away from him, and, and, You know, I was cross with the dad, actually.

I, I just thought, , you've obviously not spent a long time with your son if you've never seen this kind of behavior before. Um, there's another, there was another situation where we were in football and it wasn't actually, Leo being violent towards the child, but, they were playing a game where they had to put all the footballs in a hoop and Leo kept kicking another kid's footballs out of the hoop and the mum kept kicking them.

It's telling him, like, stop doing it, stop doing it. , so there is a level of, I'm trying to balance my needs to, , support Leo in understanding what the appropriate behavior can be, whilst also recognizing to the other parent that, um, you know, this behavior is not aligned with what we would.

I like to see being displayed.  the reason I ask is I think that so often as parents, our instinct is, and , you sound like you're quite evolved. But often our, our instinctive  as parents is to sort of grovel to the  parent and do what they think we should do, which is tell our child off.

, and that if we're not. telling off our child, , and scolding them, , we're not  addressing it properly. , but, , what I like about how you describe it is that, you know, you've already said he gets emotional overwhelm. He becomes very quickly dysregulated. He is that kind of child.

 I know you've got two girls. You probably didn't see that. And you know, and so it's possible this dad hasn't ever actually seen it  in the charity shop. Um, and so I think , the lovely thing is you,  I'm sure you've seen different.  types of behavior in your girls, just not this one.

What I mean about the lovely thing is that having, ,  more than one child, we've got to accept the child we've got. So this is Leo, who becomes very quickly emotionally dysregulated, and his way of demonstrating that Is that he will hit out, other children will have massive tantrums.

They might, uh, or they might withdraw or they might, you know, whatever it, they, they just demonstrate it. And, and some children just  become more emotionally dysregulated quicker than others. They have. you know,  call them deeply feeling or whatever it is. , I think the thing  about the 'sorry', in fact, , I discussed this  in my previous episode is that,  we're often trying to get the child to say, sorry, and you've kind of already touched on this when they're just Emotionally not able to, and, , we may get a, you know, a very, , insincere sorry.

Sorry. Um, which is, you know, really dissatisfying. Um, or they just may not be able to process it because what we've got to remember. And , it's very easy to read about this. Sometimes we have and sometimes we haven't. , and I know certainly when my eldest was, , almost exactly this age, two and a half, three,  I just didn't quite appreciate what was going on in his brain.

So it's like this alarm bell is going off. It's this, it's this fight, flight, fear response, , that goes off very quickly.  And, you know, if you think of an animal in a fear response, they will lash out. My cat, when I,  groom her and she doesn't like it,  the most placid cat in the world.

She will lash out. So, it, it is his way of expressing some kind of fear. Fear that he's not going to get the toy.  Fear that he's not going to , listen to you, or just sort of get, you know. We've got to also remember that toddlers are egotistical. That's by design. So that , they get their needs met.

So he's egotistical. He, , sees a toy and wants it. Gets frightened that he can't have it, uh, or won't be able to have it. And then his response is to, is to, to lash out.  So just knowing that can be helpful and being reminded.   Hey, just wanted to go into,  what I always describe when I'm working with parents and coaching them is there's this.  in the moment dealing with it that we want, what do we do when? Um, and there's also the, the sort of building the muscle, building the ability , for him  to quickly regulate when he's in these kind of situations, and he  naturally, egotistically wants something.

So, so let's just look at that in the moment.  The first thing I would say to him, and it's possible you do this, or it's possible that you forget, because there's always this. This thing, you know, I got to make him say, sorry, but the first thing I would say would be "for you to  snatch that toy, bite whoever, hit whoever, shows me that you're really upset about something".

You were really upset because you wanted that truck and you didn't know how else to get it.  other than hitting out." so it's the very first thing we do is, is, , validate and acknowledge the emotion that caused it. , we can say, "I know you don't mean to hurt other children. I know you mean to be kind".

And don't say but, but just say "and, , you didn't know how to do that just now. You just felt so cross". And I like the idea of taking him away because the other thing I'll tell parents is kind of remove them from the scene of the crime, um, where eyes are on them and eyes are on you if you possibly can.

So, so that would be my, you know, my first recommendation.  If he calms down enough,  we're looking at making amends because yes, clearly, uh, it helps the other child because we don't want them to feel hurt. Um, but also it's about sort of doing something active to let go of the guilt that he will feel.

, We assume they don't, but they do, , and because you've told him, , many, many, many times don't hurt others. So he knows that's not the right thing to do. And he's a lovely little boy and he doesn't want to hurt others, but he's just , in the same way as parents, when we have got the stress building up, the stress building up.

Shout.  We love our kids, but we don't mean to shout, but we just do because we can't help ourselves. , so that would be my, my thing around that. The other thing, , is the away from the moment. , and that is this idea that we're going to help him build the muscle up. So it might be, we do some kind of role play, you know, just imagine I've got the toy and you really want it or, or get him or say, imagine I'm you.

And you've, you've got the toy. And I really want it. Um, I'm gonna stamp my feet.  , I'm going to, , bang on a cushion. . , or I'm gonna come to, to, to mummy. And, and just, you know, grab her. Something that gives him a few tools. 

, that he can use. And the other thing , do you see the slight sort of glint in the eye, you, so, so that point, if you are fairly sure that he's going to go over and whack that child,  I would hold him and kind of whisper, do you remember what you can do? , I see that he's got that truck that you really wanted. 

What could we do? So you've just caught him ahead and it's hard. , because you don't want to do it in an aggressive way.  So you're trying to sort of contain them, uh, before it's actually happened. .

, when I work with parents, we're always  looking at building these tools over time. This is a snapshot. So, you know, the idea is that you take a couple of things away, but there is definitely more to it than this. Um, and actually just to say, if anybody's listening and they wanted to have a free discovery call with me,  just go to my website, my parenting solutions.

com and, or see the show notes below. If you're looking on. on YouTube or a podcast platform. And you'll see a link to that.  

, does that make sense? Does that help? Yeah, I think, I think it does. Thank you. , and that's really helpful in the moment. And actually that, that idea of teaching him an alternative way. to behave. I think that's really important because it's, it's not something I think we've done.

Um, and I, and  I can understand if he, if he doesn't know how else to behave, he's always going to continue to do the same thing. So I think that, that really makes sense. Um, and the fact that I guess it has improved over time sort of gives us hope that,  that one, you know, he won't still be doing this when he's at school and just going in and  walloping people.

 But it is a challenge. And as, and as you said, having girls first, um, this was, this was a shock because this was not behavior that we'd seen displayed previously. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I remember thinking, uh, when my son was like that, uh, Well, he's just going to wind up in prison.   You know, GBH, I mean, it is, it is really hard.

And I think, , that people will often say, oh, they'll grow out of it. There is that, you know, yes. But, , this is why I'm so passionate about my work and because, you know, it helped me so much, um, that actually some things aren't obvious.  And, you know, this idea that we can do some role play, we can help them to build those muscles away from those moments that just doesn't always occur to us.

And obviously there are, you know, when I'm working with parents there are often, there are nuances in there are different slightly different tools for different types of children with different temperaments. , but, , I'm thrilled that hopefully today has given you. some support and some ideas.

Um, because it's very isolating being a parent and , we feel at a loss and, you know, you have situations like that dad saying in the shop, yeah, we start to doubt ourselves, you know, should I be punishing this? Am I doing the right thing? Yeah. Even if in our, our heart of hearts, we know. 

, we are. Um, there's just always that question yeah, it is really challenging when other parents get involved. And, um, and like you said, you question yourself and it's very hard to put your child's, your child's needs before like this other Parents needs, um, but it is, I think, comforting to know, to hear that you're doing the right thing and, and, um, that this is a very normal thing for, for sort of toddlers to do.

, hopefully I can, I guess, provide that support for him to be able to, behave in other ways when he's, when he's, you know, at these kind of, um, acute emotional moments. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. And, you know, and you said it at the beginning as well, just that knowing he's a beautiful, lovely,  lively little loving boy.

Um, and  He just has some difficulty, , regulating his emotions. And for him, his way of displaying it is to hit out and others, it might be something different. So, yeah, I hope to, that today there being a reassurance, um, which is again, you know, that's a lot of my work is,  helping,  parents give the confidence to keep doing more of what they're actually already doing. 

Yes.  And that  knowledge that,  other parents might judge us on it, but our child is the most important. Yeah. Yes. And that's, that's, that's a tough lesson as well. So I do appreciate your support and your reassurance that that's, that's the right approach.  Brilliant. So,  if you would like,, to talk to me,  please go to my website, myparentingsolutions.

com, , and book a free discovery call.  You can also get, , a great  guide to handling , tantrums and challenging behavior. , and that's myparentingsolutions.com/tantrums.  So,, it's Katy. Thank you so much for your,  willingness to, to come on and share your story.  And thank you to all the listeners,  please subscribe,  and.

Follow this podcast, please tell your friends. Uh, if you can figure out how to give me a review, that would be great.  And thank you so much for listening to Raising Kids with Love and Boundaries with me, Camilla McGill.